One reality of divorce, these days, is the existence of a parenting plan. In most cases, there will be a parenting plan developed so that both parents have some time to continue the relationship with the children. There are numerous ways to arrange a parenting plan, but it takes a great deal of negotiation on the part of the parents to arrive at a plan that works best for the children and the parents.  When a marriage is failing, it is not surprising to see the fine art of negotiating the differences go right out the door.  Maybe good negotiating skills were never present.  Whatever the case may be, it is important for both parents to be able to set aside differences and power struggles and the host of other intense emotions in order to try to think about what will be best for the children.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I certainly don’t profess to have all the answers.  I do have a small amount of experience with three very different parenting plans.  All of them existed in my household at one time or another. I have had two husbands with children from each, so this required two parenting plans and both of them are very, very different.  What I attempt to do here is merely share what worked and is working for my children and why.  I also hope to share what struggles we encountered along the way. I have talked with many parents and friends who have very different parenting plans than I do and theirs work equally well for them and their children.  I think, though, that in spite of the differences in schedules and timing, there are some general things that are helpful to consider regardless of the scheduling or specifics of the situation.  Maybe some of my experiences can help someone else create a life after divorce that works for them.

Children Need Time With Both Parents

Children do need time with both parents.  How much time, when, and for how long are the critical issues that must be addressed when developing a plan that will work for everyone and keep you out of court in the future.  It is imperative that both parties put aside their hostilities and try to think long range for the best interests of the children.  This is tricky since both parents probably have very different views about what is best for the children.  Getting to agreement is not easy, but for the children’s sake it is essential. 

A Joint Custody Plan That Worked

The first priority for me was that while I was divorcing my ex, I was not going to require my children to divorce their dad.  With my first ex, we share legal custody and we share physical custody.  This is possible only because the two of us were able to see right away that we needed to put down our weapons and negotiate for the best interests of the children even though we personally might not like some particular piece of the big picture.  For example, I don’t like the fact that most weekends my children are not with me, however, I traded that inconvenience for being able to have the kids a majority of the time and to be able to be legally considered the primary custodial parent.  This parenting plan does not change from summer to school year as most do and each of us only gets 14 days straight during the summer with the kids.  This kind of plan, with both parents, sharing legal and physical custody of the chlldren only works well if both parents are on board and if both parents can negotiate civilly all the many different issues, large and small, that will arise over the years.

Benefits

The benefit of this plan to the children is that they know exactly where they will be and when.  My kids knew when they were with me every week and when they were with their dad.  They were able to create a life with their dad that was consistent and stable and they were able to do the same with me.  They knew and were constantly reassured by both parents that they were not going to lose relationship with either of us.  Consistency and stability are important for all children, but especially in circumstances of separation or divorce.  My ex and I planned that they would have whatever they needed at each house so that the kids did not have to pack up and move each week.  This has worked well for us for nearly a decade.  Only now that the two oldest children are in high school and some of their items are more expensive are they packing stuff back and forth.  They are only now feeling like they are having to pack up and move each week.  When we offer to give them the option of coming up with some alternatives to the status quo, they admit, they aren’t bothered enough to go to the effort.  I think this arrangement worked well for us because everyone knew what to expect, where they were going to be when and all parties agreed to respect the plan.  Our kids grew up with very little conflict or ongoing drama throughout the years.  I am fairly confident, this plan will not need to be changed ever.  I am also confident that if it does need to be addressed, my ex, and I and his wife will be able to come to some kind of alternative that works just as well as this one has for everyone concerned.  In this case, this planned worked and we have all been able to make the best of a bad situation.

Making The Most of It

I was able to make the most of this parenting plan for myself, by investing in my children during the week.  I felt this was critical because this was when good habits of cleanliness, chores, school work, and so on were being developed. I wasn’t certain my ex would have made that a priority.  I still get one weekend a month with my children.  Since I work full time, the weekends I don’t have my kids are time to catch up on laundry and projects around the house that are best done when they are not around.  I have plenty of time for me, each week, and the one weekend we have together (my oldest three anyway) we treat as a bit of a celebration or special time. As a teacher, I dont’ feel the weekend loss, quite so profoundly as I might, because I am home with them every single day during the summer.  This is just one way the specifics of my lifestyle had to factor into the decisions I was willing to make regarding my oldest three children’s schedules and time with their dad. 

Coming Soon…

In my next post, I will address the parenting plan I have for my youngest child that is not a joint custody arrangement.  I will talk a bit about why that was in her best interests and how I managed to make two very different plans work very well in my home.

Share Your Experience!

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from families about your parenting plans.  What worked for you?  What struggles did you encounter?  What do you wish you could have done differently?