My Second Sad Situation

My youngest child has a different father from my oldest three.  Where my first marriage lasted 16 years, my second one didn’t quite make it seven years.  I am not proud of any of this, but I can not go back and re-do what has been done at this point.  I hate divorce, even though I am a divorce statistic twice over.  I mostly hate it for what it does to families, specifically children. 

Put Personal Feelings Aside, Think of Your Child

In such a sad, frustrating and disappointing time, when emotions and fear are running at an all time high, it is so tough to put all the feelings aside and try to think calmly about what the future might look like.  This was particularly true for me in my second divorce.  My second husband, even in the best of times, was a passive-aggressive controller who was, I suspect, manic-depressive.  I am not trying to insult him.  I loved him very much, but he was a dangerous person to live with.  He rarely communicated his feelings, he stuffed them mostly, he was afraid to face himself and angry as the result of the tension this created for him.  He was completely unwilling to address any issues in counseling.  He was, at best, a wild cannon and often went silent on me for months at a time.  I finally had to leave because if I didn’t, someone was going to die and that someone would either be me or one of the children.  While I do hate divorce, in this case, for me, it wasn’t just the best option, it was the only option, especially since he was unwilling to address any of the issues on the marital table, most notably, my failing health due to his chaotic lifestyle and irresponsible spending.  I mean, really, I could only work so many jobs and take care of 13 people in our 1400 square foot home for just so long before something had to give.  It was my health.  I have the before and after blood tests to prove it.

But I digress.

Sole Legal and Physical Custody vs. Joint Custody

I mentioned in my previous post, that I share legal and physical custody of my oldest three children with  my first ex.  This scenario was impossible with Ex Number 2.  As with my first divorce, I had to continually keep my daughter’s best interests in mind when negotiating this parenting plan.  We did go to mediation.  In my area, that is court ordered.  The mediator presented his request which was a 50/50 time split with our daughter alternating weeks at each parent’s home.  This, personally, is my least favorite option for  a parenting plan.  I mean, how would you, as an adult, like to spend every other week in a different home?  It would take about a week for that to make me crazy.  But that is not why I would not consider this option.  I could actually see this option working quite well if the two parents involved had open lines of communication, were willing to discuss openly the issues and to support each other in parenting the child.  If the philosophies of the two homes were similar enough, the communication regular enough and the maturity of the adults responsible was solidly focused on the best interests of the child and not using the child to meet their personal ego needs, then this arrangement could work.  None of those elements existed between my ex and I.  My daughter, who was stressed out enough by the chaos and disruption in our home did not need this additional burden.  Further, there were some really valid and serious issues of supervision, safety and health that concerned me greatly where he was concerned.  Suffice it to say, there was a fair amount of danger and risk to her, the more time she had with him.  In addition, there was the problem of our inability as a couple to negotiate anything. 

Instead of a shared custody arrangement as I had with my oldest three, I sought and was awarded  full legal and physical custody of my youngest daughter.  My ex has every other weekend, no midweek overnight, only a few hours on Wednesday evening for dinner with her dad.  He has only five weeks during the summer with her and no more than 14 overnights at a time.  We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas according to the schedule I have with my older three children.  Minimum time with her dad was definitely in her best interests.  (Let the brick throwing begin!)  Truly, I was concerned for her physical safety while with him and her health.  After living with the man for 6.5 years I had good reason to be concerned.  This was not about me “winning” over him.  This was about me advocating for and protecting my child so she could have the best chance at life possible given the circumstances.   I would only encourage this approach if necessary for the safety and well-being of the child.  I firmly believe that it is always important that the child be able to continue relationship with both parents as much as possible as it was in the marriage.  Believe it or not, my current parenting plan reflects the same involvement my ex had with my daughter while we were married.  Sad but true.

Making Two Different Plans Work In The Same Household

So how did I get this to work seamlessly with my other parenting plan?  Well, it doesn’t always.  It does most of the time.  There are times during the summer where it feels like Grand Central Station but, for the most part, all four of my kids are gone at the same time and they arrive back home within an hour or two of each other.   Every other weekend, during the school year when my older kids go off to their dad’s, my youngest and I have some really special uninterrupted  Mommy-Daughter time.  This has been incredibly healthy for her, because as the youngest of eleven children (yes, I did say eleven) she pretty much fell through the cracks during our marriage.  Through this last year, I have been able to give her the time and energy that she needed to heal in this process. 

Making Most of The Plan

This parenting  plan worked for her because she was able to finally live in an environment with some routine and stability and order.  She got my undivided attention ( a rare luxury for any child in a family with more than one child) every other weekend without fail.   The plan worked for me because it limited the amount of negotiation I was expected to do with the ex.  It provided me uninterrupted time during the week to develop a routine and healthy habits for my daughter.  It meshed very well with my existing parenting plan.  This, is not always the case and I am very fortunate in that regard. 

The Key Guiding Question and Some Points to Ponder

Even though the two plans in my household look very different the one guiding principle behind both of them was the question, “What is in the best interests of my child here?”  In one case I had to let go of some personal preferences  and in the other I had to fight like a mother bear to  protect my child.  Each specific situation is as different as the people and personalities involved.  I would encourage parents to do the following as they consider developing a plan that will both work for all concerned and keep you from further court drama in the future:

1. Put personal interests and emotion aside.  Ask not what is best for you, but what is best for your child.

2.  Consider the how easy or difficult it will be to negotiate with the ex on all issues major and minor that come up.

3.  Consider the demands of your lifestyle and the ex’s lifestyle.  You can’t control what he or she does, but you can determine your own lifestyle.  How will this impact the plan?  Do you work out of town a lot and will you need childcare?  Is your ex a stay-at-home parent?  Put it all out on the table and look at it.  It’s like a puzzle.  Look at all the pieces to see how they fit.

3.  Kids thrive on stability, order and routine.  How will your proposed plan provide stability for your child?

4.  Kids need to remain in contact with both parents, given that there is no danger to the child.  What this looks like is as different as the people involved.  Encourage and support contact and relationship with the other parent.

5. Don’t succumb to being bullied.  This goes back to advocating for your child.  Sometimes the other parent will try to threaten or coerce you into doing something that would not be best for the child.  Don’t cave.  Stand your ground.  Try to consider a mutually agreeable arrangement whenever possible. 

6.  Sometimes you just have to shut up.  I say this affectionally really, as a reminder to me, too.  It is never a good thing to be negative about the other parent with the child. They will grow up and see the reality of the situation soon enough.  What goes around comes around.  Many times I’ve had to bite my tongue.  The times when I haven’t, I’ve always regretted it because, at best, it is not the example I want to demonstrate for my child.

In the best scenarios, divorce and developing a parenting plan is not an easy task.  The situation is often fraught with emotion and tension and fear which prevents anyone from thinking clearly.  Take a deep breath.  Think of your child and what is in their best interests.  Learn all you can and then move forward in confidence.  I hope this helps.  I’ve been there, I know what a frightening task lies before you.  I am with you.  I am confident that you know better than anyone else what will work best for you and your child.

Please feel free to comment and share your experiences.  It could be someone out there needs to hear what you have to contribute!  I know I’ll learn and grow from it!

Respectfully, and wishing you and your child all the best,

Cat