I spent most of my childhood growing up in rural eastern Oregon.  My family lived in the same home from the time I was in third grade till after I graduated from college.  We drove the same ‘68 Chevy Camaro and never had another car.  My mother had the same job in the same office building across from the county library until she retired many years after I was grown and beginning my own family.  My grandparents lived across the river in Idaho, a mere six miles away.  They owned a department store in town where I spent my pre-school years hiding in the racks peeking out at customers from behind the clothes.  It was a stable, predictable, secure childhood.  Very little ever changed.  It was not the kind of beginning that exactly prepares one to deal with the transitions that come after a marriage ends.  But, if we are fortunate, and I was, we should not be preparing for such sad events.  There just weren’t that many dragons to slay back then…and…I guess that’s a good thing.

Change is the only constant.  This is never more true than when going through a divorce, when emotions run high and everyone is running scared at some level.  Everyone, except the attorneys and the dragon.  They are running to the bank.  (Sometimes I think I am definitely in the wrong career.  Hmmmm, is it too late for a law degree?) Even so, I am grateful for a good attorney who helped me see the issues clearly and without emotion.  The dragon is bigger and has the fire-breathing capabilities.  You can easily determine where the dragon fits in your own analogy.  For me, it was a volatile and completely unstable partner who was an incredible con artist.  

Phase 1–Acceptance

This is the first transition in divorce:  accepting that the marriage is over.  Accepting that one partner wants out badly enough as to formalize the dissolution legally.  Whether you are the one initiating the divorce or the one having to accept that your partner is saying, “I’m out!” the very first step is to accept that no matter what happens, when the dust settles you will in fact be divorced.  Nothing else but this will be certain as you head into the process of negotiating like you’ve probably never in your marriage negotiated before. It is not unlike dodging the fiery blasts of the dragons anger as you attempt to defend your kingdom. The finances, the assets, the kids, the child support, the alimony and the acrimony will all be undetermined until the judge raps his gavel or until the two of you sign out of court. Until then, you just don’t know how the dragon will move and turn. 

When I walked in to see my attorney…a good two years before I actually retained her…she told me these words, “Look, I can’t assure you of anything except that by the end of this you will be divorced.”  She was right, and despite what is oft said about attorneys, she was honest, direct and a great strategist and she advocated on my behalf.  She helped me negotiate the frightening web of legalities to ensure the best possible outcome for my children and I.  She was there to negotiate some of those transitions for me.

 Plan on the transitions.  Expect them, anticipate them, negotiate them and then live them.  My attorney helped me plan and prepare for the first phase of transitions. 

Phase 2 –Separation and Precedent Setting

The first phase is the phase after the paperwork is filed but before the judge signs the decree. This is where much of the battle takes place.  Much has to be decided during this phase.  Where will each of you live?  Who gets the family home, who gets which of the family possessions, and how will the money and assets be divided?  These decisions are not to be taken lightly as they will in some fashion determine your lifestyle after the divorce is final.  The adjustments in lifestyle and for most of us there are huge adjustments, take time.  They just do.  Recovery always takes time and effort.  Plan on it.  Prepare for it mentally.  This too shall pass.

The next consideration is how to parent the children.  What kind of parenting plan will you develop? How will you help the children transition through these changes with a minimum amount of bumps and disruption?  There are many, many things to consider here.  I’ve written some about this in an earlier post.  There are many more resources out there as well.  What the two of you negotiate for a parenting plan will in many ways determine your lifestyle after the decree is signed.  It is wise to consider how workable the plan really is.  Does it allow for some reasonable boundaries to be implemented so you have some privacy and distance from your STBX (soon-to-be-ex)?  Or…do you prefer something more fluid, with your STBX coming and going on your property as before?  How about the children.  Will it work for you to have a more fluid parenting plan (let’s hope you both can put aside personal interests for the sake of the kids).  It’s also not a bad idea to consider the eventuality of another person entering your life.  Does the parenting plan make the most of a bad situation by giving you some time for yourself (if you are the custodial parent).  If you are not the custodial parent does the plan give you ample time to invest in and parent your children?  In every case, it is really best if parents can nail this down and agree upon it before it goes to trial.  It is really the only way to get most of what you want.  If you leave it up to the judge, it it less certain how things will turn out.  A judge is not likely to intervene in a parenting plan if both parents are in agreement.  Again, discussing this…and everything else with your attorney is the wisest decision you’ll make. Your attorney will be familiar with the laws, procedures and judges in your area.  Tap into that knowledge and expertise as you make plans that will daily impact your future.

Phase 3– Limbo Land: Final but not official

The next phase is the phase after the trial will awaiting the finality of the divorce. I call this waiting around to see if the dragon is really dead.  For me, this was a period of about three weeks.  My attorney had to formalize the final documents, I had to review them and then they had to be sent back to the judge for signing.  Since my trial occurred the Friday after Thanksgiving last year, I was waiting on pins and needles to find out if my divorce would be final before the end of the year.  In my state, if I’m divorced before December 31st, I can file single on my tax returns.  This was important to me, because, I knew my ex hadn’t had his taxes withheld all year and I knew that on my own I would get a return.  I also did not want the hassle of having to negotiate yet another issue with this man.  I was living in the transitional world of being free, knowing the outcomes, but I didn’t have a signed document yet.  I remember the overwhelming feeling of relief I experienced when my attorney’s assistant called to inform me that the document had been signed by the judge on December 21st.  It was the best Christmas present ever!

Phase 4–The First Year

After this finality, the the next phase begins.  It is known my many as “The First Year” or rebuilding the kingdom. During this time, if you have children, your family will adjust to living in two households.  You may experience a holiday or two where you do not spend the time with your children as before because they will be at the other parent’s home.  You may experience grief, loss, pain and deep sadness.  You might be ecstatic that your nightmare has finally ended.  Your children will likely experience a wide range of emotions also and may need some help dealing with them.  You will be adjusting to new schedules, new responsibilities, possibly a new living arrangement in a new location.  This first year is all about learning how to do your new life and getting used to the way things will be.  It’s time to slow down, reflect, experience the emotions, don’t deny them, learn and grow and hang in there. 

3 Certainties Besides The Change 

Earlier, I stated that the only constant is change. You simply can’t predict a dragon’s behavior or the fallout of a dragon’s fury and damage.  But, as with most things in life…it’s not all bad.

After experiencing the last year, I also know these things to be true:

1.  Things (whatever disaster may come) are never as bad as they appear to be at first.

2.  I will survive and will learn something in the process if I pay attention.

3.  Things will turn out okay, though it might be a bit messy or difficult getting there or, to put it differently, slaying dragons is never easy.

As I near the end of my own “First Year”, I have one overriding emotion.  It is the same feeling one might have after winning the Olympic gold medal in a come-from-behind-to-win-against-all-odds victory.  It is the same feeling players on the underdog football team (Go Beavers!) feel when they win against insurmountable odds against the chosen favorite.  It is better than joy.  It is deeper than exhiliration.  It is more powerful than elation and less fleeting.  It is deep, deep conviction and confidence that comes from facing the demons, slaying the dragons, and emerging from the dragon’s lair, with princess gowns a bit torn and slightly charred, crown askew, maybe a bit tarnished, hair mussed and ratted, soot smudges on my face, but with my life and health intact and the dragon’s head in my hand.  My kingdom is safe and those in my castle can breathe without fear.  We are at peace with ourselves and our world. The rebuilding projects are progressing steadily throughout the land.  We can view the future from atop the mountain of hope and joy together.  It doesn’t get much better than that.

You’ll be okay too!  I just know it!