“Dig A Hole, Bury ‘Em, Dig ‘Em Up When They Turn 23.” These are the words I heard my mother say so many times when she referred to her “troubles with teenagers”, which was, at that time, her troubles with me. 

I remember thinking my mother was the worst mother in the world even though I knew she really was going to be a hard act to follow in many ways. I remember thinking  how I couldn’t wait until I was on my own.  Boy, how my life would improve. 

Well, it did, and it didn’t. 

I was about two months into college and I realized quickly, how much my parents had done on my behalf.  Once I started having to work to support my extra spending money completely, I began recognizing some of the sacrifices my parents must have made and did make throughout the years to provide me with the secure stable childhood I enjoyed.  My gratefulness for their efforts on my behalf has only grown throughout the years.

Even so, my mother and I had our bouts during my teen  years.

Now it is my turn to be in my mother’s shoes.  It is my daughter’s turn to step into mine. 

My oldest daughter will turn 18 in exactly 14 days.  She doesn’t yet have her driver’s license and she isn’t through her senior year of high school yet, but legally, in 14 days she will be an adult. 

For most of the time she’s been around life has been good.  We have very open communication most of the time.  Most of the time that is, except when one or the other of us is in pain.  The other night it was her turn to be upset.  It was my turn to be the target.

The evening started out as most of our evenings do, calmly with dinner and chores. The weather changed as abruptly as the onset of a southwestern monsoon in mid-July. Before any of us knew what hit we were running for cover from the flash floods that followed.  I had suddenly gone from being my daughter’s closest confidante to the worst mother in the world and, boy, did she have a laundry list. 

She was upset, her emotional guns were loaded and she was aiming well below the belt!  I was surprised and hurt.  The rest of the kids had run for cover.  They didn’t want to get harmed by any stray shrapnel.  Clearly, I’d been caught without my own artillery and to use it would have done more harm than good anyway, so I simply took away her cell phone, refused to be her taxi indefinitely and walked away. Well, it’s not a large house we live in, and I did have other children to tend to, so by walking away I simply decided to go on about my business and not give her any more air time.

Two days and some cooling off time later and we have returned to our normal close affection for each other.  We’ve had time to talk about what is concerning her.  I’ve had the opportunity to hear her in a calm and receptive way and to reassure her that I will be here for her…no matter what…as she ventures out into the big, wide world. (She is, at points, apprehensive about this. She is also still trying to sort out all the events that led up to our home being just us with no dad.) Her “monsoon with flash floods” was a very healthy episode, really.  She needs to address the emotions that lurk just below the surface.  She needs to put the pieces of her lost childhood together and sort out the lessons that will strengthen her as she moves into her own adult life.

In the meantime, I will not be taking my mother’s advice to “dig a hole, bury ‘em and dig ‘em up when they turn 23″.  My mother didn’t take her own advice either.  She was there for me every step of the way, through my many blunders and mistakes.  I will be there for my daughter too. I will love her no matter what she says to me, where she goes, how far away she goes or what she does.  She is my daughter, I cannot help but love her.  In addition to this, she is a truly amazing individual and I would be impressed with her even if she weren’t my daughter.

Besides, I miss her enough already when she leaves to go to her dad’s for the weekend, I couldn’t imagine burying her and not talking to her till she was 23.  I think she’d hate that too, even though I am, after all, the worst mother in the world.